I don’t know what changed.
Before, my eyes were glazed over, and I didn’t care much about anything. Life was just a cycle- never ceasing, always dull. I was a grey, ticking machine in a crowd of robots. We didn’t feel, we didn’t care, and we didn’t love.
But something happened in my dreary, dismal world: the touch of color brushed my cold skin and brought back warmth into my body. My eyes opened to a whole new dimension and suddenly every breath was a gulp of sentience. I could see the blue in the sky and I could feel a flutter of excitement with every beat of my heart… and every new experience was divine.
And then that soft, tender touch of color left before I was ready to let go. The absence of it became unbearable as I was again thrown back into the crowd of machines where the only thing that mattered was completing the cycle of selfish, distant, unremarkable accomplishment.
Yet, somehow, something was different. I could feel the damp ground beneath me, and I heard the distant sound of birds from the rooftops. If I closed my eyes, I could feel the beat of my pounding heart. Although it was difficult to gather, I could still see life thriving around me. I wasn’t focused on myself anymore; instead, I was perceptive to the world surrounding my small body. For the first time, I was aware.
Although that warm touch that breathed life into my soul was gone, and my heart longed dearly for it, I couldn’t help but be at peace. Beneath those sad, melodious emotions, there was happiness.
I was aware, and that made me so, so much better.
P.S. Shout out to my AMAZING model, Sidney Cameron.